Alex SBY

400s/45s etc (HHRs) are as exciting as a wet weekend in Streatham, but they are no worse for it. They just do the job. The trouble was that the car they replaced (the R8) was a very tough act to follow. I'm more a 'big Rover' man myself anyway. And I'm taking delivery of a 75 in a few weeks....

I'd ironically always had a fear of the K16 going wrong. A few years back I owned a 218VVC Coupe, that I was forever worried about so eventually sold it.. Then I got a D-Series 416 (bombproof). That then had HGF... Fast forward to last year, I get a BMW. Enough said. I've just had word re the air con on the Vitesse. Unsurprisingly it's the condenser that's shot. New one is now ordered that I'll fit myself and then get it regassed. I'll have to do the same to the BM I think, too...

Aye. Unlike a Beemer!

They are better than the old ones, but these now need adjusting properly as the beams are about two foot from the car. I'll get them beam set and that should see to that. As headlights go, they are pretty lame still tbh but I'll reserve judgement...

This is a car I bought over the winter, primarily to use as a 'winter hack' after the BMW decided to go a bit wrong and blow its headgasket rather suddenly and spectacularly. Regular viewers will remember that last year I bought a BRG Fastback Vitesse and then sold it to Vard. Well, I soon regretted doing that and deep down had a hankering for another turbocharged 800. When another friend of mine (Stewart) said he was selling his Vitesse Coupé, I gave it a lot of thought. Once the BMW went breasts skyward and it had been confirmed to me by Stewart that the car had had the steel-caged gearbox bearings fitted at some stage by a former owner, I decided to go for it. Unsurprisingly for me, it is British Racing Green. Did they ever make any other colour?! Here are some pictures; I'll let them say what they need to say! The car is a 200BHP model, and being a late spec car is essentially a Sterling specification vehicle but with the turbo engine. Since purchase I've had and done a lot to it, including replacement of the radiator, bumper mounts, all sorts of things. The exhaust came with it, and it sounds GOOOOD! Sadly over the cold snap a few weeks back the air con decided to pack up. I'm getting that looked at this week. I think it is the condenser, but on these it can often be pipework fatigue too. The plan with this car is to keep it tidy, do jobs as and when they need, and just use it. It is immense fun to drive! Thanks for looking.

Well, it's time. I'm now going to be pressing this beast into regular service. I've also taken some post-OCD pictures. I'll let them do the talking. Jobs on the list now are to sort the a/c, and I've decided to ditch the self-levelling suspension in favour of dampers. That clonk has to go! Plus, also if anything materialises using it this week that will be attended to as well. Fingers crossed!

Amazingly, they did physically work, inasmuch as they lifted the beams up and down as required. There must be some sort of communication with the car's internals that is amiss with this faulty batch that sent it like a D Reg XJ40 on ACID...

Since getting this old beast of a car back from Vard I've concentrated on the stuff which is more my forté; namely detailing, cleaning and doing some of the lighter jobs. I've waxed this car thoroughly, replaced the god-awful "angel eyes" (#one look and you're hypnotised#) headlights with proper original ones, and fixed the split washer bottle. All the latter parts came from an M60B30 engined E32. Amazing how many parts these cars share. Anyway, I diagress. The BM came up a treat, and looked so much better with the new lights in. One strange fault appeared though: The "Angel Eyes" (#You keep thinking, about his angel eyes#) had been fitted by the previous owner, and had seen the headlight leveling adjustment motors long since disappear. The E32 headlights we got had the motors in, so I duly undid all the bodged up lash wiring for the "Angel Eyes" (#he'll take your heart and you must pay the price#) and worked out how to put things back to standard, which I did no problem. I fitted the drivers side lights, tested it all, fine. Proper job. Upon refitting the passenger side light, however, I turned on the ignition to test it all, popped the lights on only for the car to tell me that LITERALLY every single bulb on the car had blown (it hadn't). I cleaned all the connectors, checked, double checked everything, and could find nothing wrong. Resigning myself to the fact this was an XJ40-esque foible I'd have to live with I went in. After a quick google, it transpired that there was a batch of faulty headlight leveling motors issued at some point. If these are fitted to the E34 (and ONLY the E34) they can be prone to throwing up random bulb failure warnings. Thinking this was tosh, I went out to disconnect the motors. Imagine my surprise, when no fault messages came up on the dash! So, for now, it's being left with non-working headlight adjusters (no loss as the car did not have them anyway when bought), and I'll get some as and when I find them. Jobs left to do now include: * Source load cover blind thing for the boot * Investigate and rectify that infernal "clonk" from the rear end. I think it's top mounts. * Source another spare wheel - I kinda buckled one on the car (long story) a few months ago, so we had to fit the spare. * Rectify aircon leak (a casualty of the transplant) * Fit personal plate (I know, I KNOW) * Investigate why it stalls every-so-often randomly. Always when approaching junctions under clutch down. It did this when it had the 3.0 engine in, too so this is rather odd. We suspect it is because it remains running an automatic ECU (the 3.0 engine also was being run by a 4.0 auto ecu) and it could be confusing things. Sadly I did not get pictures this weekend - I hope to soon. On the road, the car is driving splendidly (aside that occasional stalling thing). Power like you would not believe. Fuel consumption is, well, horrific. But I put that down to having a lead right foot. This car is, quite simply, EPIC. I've rambled on enough now and you are probably all bored so I'll STFU. I'll get some pics as and when I can!

It was the second most ghastly thing I have ever had the misfortune to own...

I'd love to say "yes", but tbh I've not driven the XJ40 since 2007, and the X300 since 2010. When I finally get them taxed (next month and the month after respectively), I want to drive em!

I heard my name...! Yep, Vard has this car pretty much for as long as he needs it until we get his Vitesse sorted. I originally bought this old thing to do a Banger Rally in, but we both decided that it was far too good for that, and it would be a waste of a car with such an epic mileage to just paint it in silly colours, and hoon it across Europe, potentially dumping it. The car needs a steering rack (to be acquired soon), the clutch is higher than my blood-pressure concerning BMW DMFs but it came with a load of spares, and is essentially a nice old car. Rare too, being a manual. I've already sorted the broken speedo (it used to read 150mph regardless of speed - the mileometer worked accurately however), the broken a/c fan and resistor pack, and a few other jobs. I know Vard will enjoy it, and loaning him this thing is frankly the least I can do for all his help with the BMW.

They are currently in the boot... Well, after about three months since the car shat itself outside Dan's house and it was so ignominiously recovered on the back of a tow truck to Vard's place, the BMW has now returned with me to Devon. It drove superbly on the approximately 100 mile drive back. There are a whole shitload of updates to give, and frankly I'm too tired to write it all out properly now but I will do so soon. All I can say though is it's as done as it will ever be. I simply cannot thank enough the wonderful people who have been instrumental in this project. Vard, Ian, Joe and Dan - you've all been brilliant and it means more to me than you'll imagine. Full update coming soon. But it's back in Devon, driving like a treat and providing mega-smiles.

Does it go fast? I can't say I've really tried to gain full experience of the performance* (* = the preceding statement might be bollocks) As Vard says, it's going fine barring a strange issue with an infuriating whistling sound that comes and goes, which coincides with a terrible tickover, that also is followed by epic smoke on acceleration. It looked like the Red Arrows were in town earlier... Now, as soon as you can say FUCKED NIKASIL (it isn't so lets not go there) I'd also done a google search that confirms the PCV diagnosis. This helpful site shows the issue: http://www.meeknet.co.uk/E38/BMW_E38_Ca ... ocking.htm Given the car was fine initially I suspect that the fact the engine has been out of its donor car for some while, it all dried out. We put it into use (and how), and it probably said "ENOUGH!". So, the plan is tomorrow to fit the PCV from the inlet manifold we saved from the old 3.0 engine. If that is equally as shot, it's off to BMW for yet more fucking expenditure to fit a new one. We will get this fucking car sorted. If it fucking kills me (which is looking likely!)... But by God. Does it SHIFT!

And as is Alex! We've got there. There were times I never thought we'd do it, but do it we did. Going by BMW fora, those who attempt this conversion are brave, mechanically intrepid and really know their stuff. Well, I speak for myself when I say that I am none of those things. But it goes to show that the 'smoke and mirrors' that surrounds so many things is simply complete bollocks. I cannot thank enough everyone who has been involved in this. Special thanks to Vard, Ian and Joe, and also everyone here for their encouragement. We've still got minor odds and sods to finish off (like a damn good valet, investigating why the air con has decided to stop working (we were careful not to lose the gas) and looking long-term into a 540 clutch and flywheel) but ostensibly it is done. All these minor bits are details. I drove it earlier, and all I can say is what a car...

Words cannot describe how thrilled I am right now! Wish I was there to have seen it start though...

Oh god, yes! £20 off ebay!

That's the worse case scenario. Fortunately I've located the right bit so we should be good. I'm reluctant to use anything other than the correct bits having seen that the original engine had a 4.0 ECU in it. Whilst that might not directly have contributed to the HGF of the 3.0 engine, I doubt it would have done it much good... God I want to start that car up now...

Replacement air box already ordered and on the way to Chez Vard... Right now I feel a mixture of regret, frustration, excitement and that "kid at Christmas" feeling. I wish we'd been able to get that biatch fired up before I left today. But never mind, rather it took a bit longer and was done right than rushed and cocked up. At this juncture I really must thank Vard and Joe for being absolute fucking legends this week. Chaps, this project would not have happened without you. I'm back up to Chez Vard in a couple of weeks to finish off the project. Vard - please do NOT touch that scrap engine. I want to rip it apart myself! STEP AWAY FROM THE M60B30! I can't wait to get back working on that car again. Sod bloody geography.

Quite possibly, but I'm off home tomorrow anyway so what we can't get done tomorrow will have to wait for a few weeks. Although I'm pretty busy with work I booked out an "insurance" week later this month to allow for anything we didn't get a chance to complete this last week. It would be a shame to leave here tomorrow without having got it started, but it won't be long to wait until work can resume. Maybe by then we won't be having arctic conditions, but I'll not be holding my breath on that. This last week has been full of emotions: excitement, anticipation, frustration, misery, despair, intrigue and happiness to name but a few. Although I admit to being gloomy and frustrated by this project on many occasions this last week, it's been tremendous fun and made so purely by the people I am with and possible with the kindness that has been shown with their help. I so want to turn that key tomorrow and hear 4.0 music. But good things come to those who wait...

To further update - last night we worked until the wee small hours trying to line up the engine mounts, but with little success. Starting afresh, today with a clear head saw the engine soon fitted on the mounts, all electrics (ECU and wiring) fitted, and a good deal of the final bolting in take place. Then it started snowing. Which stopped play unfortunately. We're so close now to finishing this thing, but it still remains on the ramps and not quite there. Hoping for the snow to stop tomorrow, before I depart Chez Vard for Devon we're hoping above hope to get this damn thing running. Here's hoping.

Can we all please play fucking nicely? I'm too tired for this shit. If I want to read keyboard battles I'll go back to MacDroitwich. We've all worked hard. Yes, something has gone wrong (and that has been one of a catalogue of fucking problems on this fucking swap (that I rue the day I ever agreed to do)). Having a keyboard battle helps not. I thank everyone for all their help, please just play the fuck nicely. Thank you.

Well normally January is considered the middle of winter, so the clues are out there ...!! Unfortunately you generally cannot plan when a car goes tits up and needs repairing. I'm not a complete and utter fool (despite appearances) and in an ideal world would have done this job in the summer. But the car was broken, it needs sorting and sorting soon, so this was what we had to do. It's the way the mop flops, and done through necessity rather than choice...

Law of sod basically. We'd planned this for ages as Vard said.

You think you have problems?!

Joe - I can't say how grateful I am for your kind help with this. Once I get it back home I'll pop down your neck of the woods and you can (quite literally) take it for a spin!